Chapter 1: A Hospital Visit
Well, you sure have a hook. I really want to find out what happens in the next chapter, and the explanation as to why everything happened. This is the description of a good book, yes? Unfortunately, you're writing fan-fiction. Most fan-fiction crash and burn from the get-go. So far, you've stayed just above the crash and burn level. I do hope that this new character doesn't screw everything up or change the other characters personalities to suit them. Writing fan-fiction is treading thin ice.
Though you have remarkable punctuation and grammar. I applaud you on that, good sir.
So far, so good. I can't really suggest anything for you to improve on, other than this: try to imagine that you're writing a script for the actual show. That will help you a lot, and make it more enjoyable for the reader.
Yes, yes, and yes. I agree completely.
Thank you for telling me I have a good hook- that's what I was going for.
I know that most fan-fiction is really not that great. I am trying really hard to make this one not end up like that. I wanted this story to be good enough to be a hypothetical episode (i.e. No shipping, no inappropriate content, keeping canon character personalities show-accurate, etc.), but I suppose I've already messed that up with the violence (even if it only is vaguely described).
Yes, I do try so very hard to have correct grammar.
Thank you for the critique. It was very helpful.
It's slang for 'indeed'.
I must refrain from using my personal dictionary.
Oh... okay. I get it.
And, no, that's alright. You can continue using your personal dictionary.