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:iconderaza360:
Well, you sure have a hook. I really want to find out what happens in the next chapter, and the explanation as to why everything happened. This is the description of a good book, yes? Unfortunately, you're writing fan-fiction. Most fan-fiction crash and burn from the get-go. So far, you've stayed just above the crash and burn level. I do hope that this new character doesn't screw everything up or change the other characters personalities to suit them. Writing fan-fiction is treading thin ice.

Though you have remarkable punctuation and grammar. I applaud you on that, good sir.

So far, so good. I can't really suggest anything for you to improve on, other than this: try to imagine that you're writing a script for the actual show. That will help you a lot, and make it more enjoyable for the reader.
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:iconcoltboy:
Coltboy Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist
Yes, yes, and yes. I agree completely.
Thank you for telling me I have a good hook- that's what I was going for. :)
I know that most fan-fiction is really not that great. I am trying really hard to make this one not end up like that. I wanted this story to be good enough to be a hypothetical episode (i.e. No shipping, no inappropriate content, keeping canon character personalities show-accurate, etc.), but I suppose I've already messed that up with the violence (even if it only is vaguely described).
Yes, I do try so very hard to have correct grammar. :)

Thank you for the critique. It was very helpful. :D
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:iconderaza360:
DeRaza360 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Indiddios.
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:iconcoltboy:
Coltboy Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist
Excuse me? :iconraritywtfplz:
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:iconderaza360:
DeRaza360 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's slang for 'indeed'.

I must refrain from using my personal dictionary.
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:iconcoltboy:
Coltboy Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist
Oh... okay. I get it.
And, no, that's alright. You can continue using your personal dictionary. :)
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:iconderaza360:
DeRaza360 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ewa, thank you.

Ewa means 'yes', BTW.
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:iconcoltboy:
Coltboy Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist
Am I allowed to use your personal dictionary as well?
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:iconderaza360:
DeRaza360 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure, if you can find it.

I've hidden it away from you. Twists and turns are my master plan, then find the dictionary back where you began.
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